Reflecting

A month ago I posted about Little Dude turning 5 months. This month I'm going to be a little selfish and write a little down kind of more for me than anyone else. Its been six months since Little Dude's birth. Giving birth is undeniably a huge life event. I didn't realize how much I would think about it and go over and over the events of those days in my head in the months following. I guess its normal that an experience like childbirth takes so much processing. I've found that mothers really like talking about their birth experiences. Its a way to keep it alive I think. There are so many emotions and feelings attached to those hours or days and mothers want to keep the memories close. So much happens in a short amount of time during birth. Its hard to remember all that went on, but I want to. I find myself thinking about the series of events trying to remember more things, questioning what occurred in an effort to understand better.



In the long run some people might think "who cares. its over. everyone is healthy and happy now. it all worked out - don't worry about it." But, for me, it does still matter. Although I had some minor complications, I'm satisfied with the experience. It was nothing of what I could have ever imagined, but it was fine. I went into the experience wanting to do it as naturally as possible doing most of my laboring at home before arriving at the hospital. I even considered a home birth at one point. But after 7 days of constant pain, the inability to lie flat, no sleep, vomiting, diarrhea and did I mention no sleep. I wanted it to end and I was scared to be in any more pain. I needed medical reassurance that everything was fine. I loved hearing the sound of that heartbeat moniter. I was in so much pain that hearing that baby was good made me feel better. But I was mentally worn and I didn't want to try to be strong anymore. I wanted the epidural. I wanted the skin on my belly to not feel like it was going to rip from the tension of being stretched. I wanted the pain in my abdomen to go away. I wanted to be able to eat without wobbling to the bathroom. Most importantly I wanted to start taking care of my babsy on the outside. I just couldn't do it anymore from the inside.
Despite my unaswered questions and complications I'd definitely do it all over again. Not any time soon, but someday.

I still wonder all the time...

Was I in actual labor for 7 days or was something else wrong with me? The doctor didn't ever find anything wrong, but I was in terrible constant pain for 7 whole days before my water broke and it magically went away.

What would have happened if I had a different doctor that was more into C-sections? Would a different doctor talked me into one just to get it all over with? Probably. Thank goodness me and Doc were on the same page on that one.

Was the cord wrapped around baby the reason why I had so much abdominal pain in the days leading up to birth? Was there pressure pulling on the placenta because he was so tightly wrapped up in the cord causing all of my pain? Is that even possible?

Did the fever I had after my epidural was administered cause my uncontrollable shivering? And if the epidural WAS causing my fever and shaking, why didn't anyone suggest that I turn it off?

Was the epidural the reason baby wasn't screaming at birth only grunting? Maybe he just didn't FEEL like screaming. He was fine and alert; I could see it in his eyes. I wasn't worried when they brought him to the NICU. I knew he would be fine. I felt disappointed and sad- I wanted him close.

How many babies have elevated CRP levels that no one knows about because they are not tested after birth?

How come I never really worried about his health? The whole crew was there waiting for him. I don't even know who they all were - (NICU, respirtory people, ???), but about 8 or so people showed up just in time for him to come out. How did I know he was healthy? I just knew he was fine. That still is weird to me. I felt so bad for the other mothers I saw in the NICU. Crying and upset that their babies were sick. I never felt like there was anything wrong with mine, but I was standing RIGHT next to the other mothers. Why was I different?

What if I had an unsupportive partner? I am so lucky to have had Pete there cheering me on. He was then and still is the best. I wouldn't have made it through that experience as well as I did without him. I actually feel like we did it together. That might sound weird, but its true. Its his birth story as much as it is mine.